How do you grieve for someone who still breathes?

(An excerpt from my diary regarding my mother’s Schizophrenia)

June 2012

How do you grieve for someone who still breathes?

I worry for my children, concerned for my husband, and that he has to deal with so much of this every day too.

I cry at random times, don’t want to let it all out coz worried I might not be able to stop.

Don’t want to think about it, want to just shut it all out, don’t want to feel any emotion towards it.

But if I do that then I also shut out any emotion towards my children and husband.  Find myself lying on my bed in afternoons while kids play/watch dvd’s, and feel guilty about not spending time with them.

I am worried for them, coz no one can say for certain that my mom will not react on her beliefs, her beliefs that we mean them harm.  She would ‘save’ my children from their home because of what her ‘voices’ tell her.  She has plans to steal them away so we never know where they are and will never find them.

Someone asks “How are you feeling”, I don’t have an answer.  I can only tell how my physical health has been affected:  anxiety attacks (can’t breathe), serious weight increase (stressful eater), skin/mouth sores that take forever to heal, light headed, headaches/migraine – I am falling apart.

How do I deal with this?

Mom – I love her and dislike her at the same time.  I know much of what she does is the illness talking, but she has become selfish and even more manipulative as she got older, and as her brain atrophied from this illness.

When I am in her company Dr Jekyll/Mr Hyde comes out.  I am never sure whether she will be berating or lovey lovey.  I cannot deal with the rollercoaster of emotions that it invokes.  When she berates I keep quiet and grit my teeth, when she becomes lovey lovey, I want to physically push her away.

She doesn’t remember a lot of the stuff that she has said and done, but I do.

Forgiveness?  I don’t hold her illness against her, but I don’t have capacity for the ups and downs.  And my children’s safety is what is most important.  The woman she has become is not the woman who raised me.

August 2012

She no longer knows where I live, no longer has contact with her grandchildren.

My heart breaks!

How do you grieve for someone who still breathes?

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